A piece of me

Note : I wrote this in July 2008. Kept it as a draft all this while...

Feliz Cumpleanos! (Happy birthday!)

July 24 was my mummy’s birthday! She turned 65, but still looks REAL good for her age. Surely this is a great sign for moi, no? *fingers crossed* He he…

I had a lot of issues with my mum while growing up – most of the time I was verrry angry with her. Angry with her for what little memories I had when I was young, angry with her for leaving us twice, angry with her for what she did to my dad, angry with her for not letting us get to know her mother while she was alive, etc… the list is endless, really.

So, basically, I was a happy and busy child, but with lots of anger inside. I spent every day playing hockey and tennis and whatever that would keep away from home. There’s just so much I was feeling and mostly from what people told me, not what I remember. Actually I do not have much memories of childhood, which puzzles me. Weird.

Many things that happened would explain my fierce loyalty to my dad throughout my childhood till early adulthood. Moments when i wondered why he'd do that or put up with that? Or why did she do the things she did.... Now, i understand. I really, really do. Everyone sacrificed a part of themselves when they chose to commit. Anyways, this was my ‘light bulb’ moment quite recently. I do wish to remain a little mysterious so I choose not to go into much details here. Only a few of my real good friends know this.

Anyway, the reason I am bringing this up is because….… Time does pass super fast and I would like to share this. Hopefully, it will make a difference in any way.. no matter how small.

Few years ago, I had an epiphany. (i love this word - epiphany!)

Kids never think of their parents as anyone other than their parents. I used to think my dad knew ALL the answers to my questions. I could ask him any English word and he’d tell me the meaning almost immediately. Genius, I thought!

I expected them to be no one else but my parents – how parents should behave, focus attention only on work and children, buy our school supplies and uniforms, cook us dinner, us us us…all about us, etc. I think it’s a quite typical from any child.

Then as I grow older, I realize that parents are INDIVIDUALs first, and then they became parents (yet ANOTHER ‘light bulb moment’). We tend to forget that. We easily forget that they are individuals first before they became our parents. It’s easy to think that parents should behave in a certain way, work to provide us with support, food, education or whatever else just because they are our parents. And that’s it. Quite selfish, if you come to think about it, huh?

Everyone has a story to tell…… now that I understand them both a little better, I realised my wasted energy. Feeling angry for so long. I have learnt to ‘Live and let live’. And I look forward to spending time with my parents, and listen to their life experiences. Quite colourful, if I may add. Ha…

Since my ‘epiphany’, I have been sharing this thought of mine with many of my close friends. I think that we should just let them be, let them do what they want to do. As long as they’re doing what they wanna do and what makes them happy. My parents have been living apart for many years, though not divorced. They get along MUCH better apart.

I used to live with dad for many years, sometimes I felt like I was his 'wife'…. Looking out for him, making sure everything was ok. I have to admit I sometimes got irritated, wondering why do I have to do this instead of my own mother who is living in a different state. But the time spent is precious to me. We recently gave up the house we lived in for the past 15 years, he moved to Seremban while i am temporarily staying @ my sister's place before i decide on my next big move.

Funnily enough, now my parents are living ‘together’ – side by side (two separate houses) in Seremban. It’s quite amusing, really. I try to make it back one weekend every month and they get pretty ‘lively’ most of the time. More like arguing most of the time.

Even though I am the youngest in my family, I find myself being the moderator. One would complain about the other, and vice versa. And I have to ‘scold’ both of them. Seriously, I think they enjoy getting ‘told off’. Not in a rude way, of course. Kena slap la if rude!

And I love them both so much. And you know what? I would NOT change a single thing!