Choosing to move forward with great memories

Do you sometimes have the feeling you are paying for past mistakes? They were mistakes for sure....thing you went through when you were younger and stupid. Now i am just stupid. :)

Sometimes i wonder when will it be over? I feel soon, i hope real sooooon.

I hate having regrets and i always try not to have them. So sometimes, i do things that are a little crazy and somewhat embarassing. But hey, i did what i felt was right at the moment. It may be right, it may be wrong. At the time, it felt RIGHT. :)

I have written about a certain friend throughout my blog (right from the beginning until recently), and i will try to stop doing that soon enough. I guess i have had many things i wanted to tell him about but didn't have the opportunity to do so. It is also funny when i try to forget him, get him out of my mind...and everything about him pops in sight. Even my holiday last weekend, the tour guide we had for the day reminded me of him! Same playful, smooth manner and even the same damn hat! Sigh.

We had some great times --- he and i. Memories i will cherish for a long time to come. Memories that make me smile and feel warm, and sometimes gets me all teared up. It's like we didn't get to explore US, we may have advanced 4 steps ahead without going through the basics of a relationship. In a way, we knew things about each other not the normal route/way. Either way, i am sure it was for a reason. Right?

There was once i was hanging out at his place. Both of us lying on the floor infront of his tv....he was watching his football match, i promise to accompany him eventho i am not much of a football fan. We sorta teased each other about having an 'exciting half time'. The moment they went into half time, we immediately started making out. As always, it was very hot and i have always loved our kisses. Perfect. Just like how it was each time. Love it.

He has asked a few times to go 'all the way', and i couldn't bring myself to say YES, no matter how much i wanted to. You see, i like this guy. A LOT. A LOTTT. There were just things/issues i had to clear before finally having sex with him. I was at the time seeing someone else but not really in a relationship and so was he! And man, it was super hard saying NO each time. I had to say things like "no...i am not ready...next time...., etc". :(

I mean, i have been in a relationship where my ex 'bf' was a married man. He forgot to mention that to me about his real status. He lied and i was stupid and naive to believe him then and we were 'in a relationship' for a very long time. And i was even more stupid to continue on for a while after i found out the truth, convinced i was in love with him. Stupid, i know. How i found out was another long dramatic story, which i rather not talk about anymore.

So u see, i have played 'the other woman' role and it sucked big time. Each time, i felt a sense of loss and disrespect for myself. It was very draining and such a bad feeling. It took such a long for me to get over it and forgive myself for my stupid actions. So the last thing i wanted was to be in that situation again. And especially not with him --- i think i liked him wayyy too much to do that.

I never had the chance to explain myself. I hope he doesn't assume i am/was not interested in him. But i have delayed my explanations for toooooo long, and now i think it is too late.

Isn't it sad when you meet someone you would love to explore and learn more about, but timing was not right at the moment? I know they say if it is fated it will happen eventually... (yes, i have read 'He's just not that into you.... grr)

Until then, i shall not wait and wonder. And just hope for the best. So here i am ---> dignity intact but somewhat alone. :) I just have to believe in myself again, i guess.

To the left, to the left...

Mild Sciatica?

So i have been having bad back pain for over 7 months now. There are good days and there are not-so good days.

Went to 3 doctors and most i get are muscle relaxants and pain killers. I avoid the pain killers cuz i can stand the pain but one doc also gave me nerve vitamins. Anyway, it didn't get all better and i think it got worse the past 2 weeks esp after driving 1000 km in 2 days. My granduncle passed away last Thursday and i drove my family up to Penang and then sent my parents back to Seremban. Since then, my whole right leg and back has had permanent tingling/pins and needles and my fourth and fifth toes are kinda numb. :S

Anyway, i finally gathered the courage to go see a doc today. And since it's my second time seeing him, and my condition has not improved and maybe even worsen, he had written me a referral letter to see an orthopaedic (specialist) to get my spine scanned. It all sounds rather scary to me. Sigh.

Oh well, there is nothing else i can do now....but will wait till Monday to see what HR has to say or suggest. Sleeping is uncomfortable nowadays. I hope it isn't anything too serious. :S

Goodnight.....